The feeling of home

For the past 8 years of studying abroad in the U.S, I struggled the most with the feelings of wanting to go home whenever difficulty intrudes my life.

• I want to go home so badly after the first week of my sophomore year. I got a C in my first History essay, and I thought it was a disgrace to my parents' investment in my expensive education.
• I want to go home when I saw the guy I had a huge crush on back in Junior year dating my best friend.
• I also want to go home terribly when I see them happy together.
• I want to go home when I got rejected at my Early Decision school back in my senior year.
• I want to go home when I couldn't improve my standardized test score.
• I want to go home when I feel like I have to do everything and try everything to succeed. The thoughts of an endless amount of work overwhelm me.
• I want to go home when I'm handling my anxiety about friendships, about school all alone in a foreign country I'm studying in.
• I want to go home when my bank account ran out of money but I'm hesitant to ask my parents.

And when I’m back home, difficulty and life ironies never end. I also often have thoughts of wanting to go home. Even though I'm physically home and spending time at my childhood house, I just told myself I wanna go home.

• I want to go home when I'm at work and I feel unproductive.
• I want to go home when I feel less of myself and feel like everyone's better than me.
• I want to go home when I feel reverse culture shock.
• I want to go home when I make stupid mistakes at work.
• I want to go home when I feel like work never ends.
• I want to go home when I miss the friends I used to hang out with.

At this point, I have no idea where is the home I’m daydreaming about. In my head, before I go to bed, I often think about a place of my own, a prestigious degree that I can use it for the betterment of society, and a nice kitchen. But in reality, I'm still living with my parents and haven't done much in my life. I guess this cycle of thoughts isn't that healthy.

These days, instead of thinking about home, I have occupied myself with the thoughts of positive outcomes, and just very recently, the thoughts of my boyfriend (: