Letter to Brittanya Karma

To Brittanya Karma:

I was on my sick bed yesterday, and I had the worst dreams when I was asleep. I dreamed about my usual insecurities on my looks, on how boring I am as a person, on how incompetent I am.

Then, when I woke up, I read the news that the German Viet vlogger that I often watched to boost my confidence, Brittanya Karma, has passed away due to her infection with COVID-19. I immediately binged watch all of her vlog to reminisce of how big such an impact she and other confidence-boosting female figures have had on my life.

The first video, I watched of Brittanya was “do hoi biet boi” — she elaborated on her experience being born and raised in Germany but stick to her Vietnamese roots. She couldn’t stand German Viets who pretend to stray away from their roots. For example, the German- Viets who “ew” at eating pork bones in Bun Bo Hue. In Bun Bo Hue, pork bones are the true delicacy. The foreign-born but Vietnamese at heart who “ew” at eating chicken skin. This relates to me on so many levels. I used to study in a boarding school in Maine during my high school years. The adopted Asians and white people I met there often ridiculized the weird foods that we Asians ate. I mean most of Asia’s history was delved into war and colonialism. We ate whatever form of nutrition that nature could offer.

The second video I watched of Brittanya was about her experience being ghosted by her dates. It was because the guy was shocked at Brittanya’s plus sizes despite her being cute and funny during their phone calls. Brittanya concluded the video by saying that “There is nothing wrong with you. Even if somebody thinks that you are crazy and nobody would date someone crazy like you, a crazy person will later come up and be a better fit for you.”

After watching Brittanya on my sickbed, I was reflecting on my dream of me being insecure. I feel like I was just making myself small. Why would I succumb to the things that are unlike me to fit in the rest of the world?